What Happens In The Past, Stays In The Past

The response given was not expected.  I honestly didn’t know what to expect; however, I thought the person that had been part of my life for so long would have recognized me.  When families have disagreements with each other, no one expects the feud to go on for years, and if they do, maybe only a few years, right?  No one ever expects it to go on for 15 years. And no one expects a family member to not recognize her. But that is what happened. Now, you might be thinking, “No way! The person probably just acted like she didn’t know.”  Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. My aunt legit had no idea who I was. Now, this could have been due to being drunk or under the influence of something, or it could have just been due to the fact we haven’t seen each other in like eight years.  I haven’t seen some of the other family members for 15 years. Some of my family members were super little and I didn’t get to see them grow up, and they are actually adults now. That’s crazy!

That hurt!  It hurt a whole bunch.  Not seeing them anymore, even though I was so used to seeing them often and I enjoyed their company.  I liked being around them. But then everything changed. My whole life changed. We no longer had large family functions because our family was no longer large.  I no longer saw the people that meant so much to me. They really impacted my childhood, and then really impacted my adulthood because of their absence. They really affected how I see people.  And how, for a while, I really didn’t give a shit about anything. Until I started caring, but then at that point I may have started pushing people away. Because if your own family abandons you, how the hell can you trust anyone else?  

For the longest time, I didn’t care.  I didn’t care what was happening because I just went through the steps of life and I was able to forget by getting drunk.  And oh boy, Did I get drunk? I got drunk all of the time. Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. And depending on what else was going on during the week, I may have been getting drunk then too.  Not to mask the family drama because at that point, I didn’t care. Why should I care about people that don’t give a damn about me? What I cared about was losing a person that meant the world to me, and we were in the same boat.  We thought THEY all fucked up, and we wanted no part of it. But he decided to take his life and leave me with all of it, by myself. That was the worst experience of my life! But at least I was drunk. Because had I not made that decision to self-medicate, I’m not sure what the outcome would have been.  When I was drunk, I wasn’t thinking about that shit. And I was having a lot of fun, which made it so much better.

The worst part of it has been the thought that I replay in my mind often, because I don’t know if we would be close now if he were alive.  I feel like people would have gotten into his head. Or it could have just been that we would have never seen each other, which would have impacted our relationship.  I want to believe he would have been supportive and encouraging, even when no one else was.

As I was walking through the casino, in the corner of my eye I saw my cousin.  A cousin that I had been super close to my whole life, but that I hadn’t spoken to for at least 10 years.  There had been no reaching out on either of our parts. Even though I care, I care at a distance, and it isn’t even our fight.  It is what it is! Anyways, as I get closer, I say, “Hey!” He seemed excited to see me, and then I noticed that he was with his mother, my aunt.  It became clear very quickly that she had no idea who I was and even when she kind of figured it out, I’m still not sure she knew it was me. “You haven’t changed a bit.”  That is what she said to me! “I’ll take that as a compliment!” The fortunate part is that I have changed so much. When people don’t notice or care that you are absent, they really didn’t enjoy your presence either.  So, it may appear that I am the same, but that was because she never truly knew me. I am a completely different person now. However, I still like to have fun! And I still have a lot to say! And I am still bubbly when I talk!  And I get excited when I see someone I know! Unfortunately, I don’t know those people! And they were part of my past! And I feel like that is where they are staying, not necessarily because that is where I want them to stay, but that is where they choose to stay.  If they wanted to be part of my life, they would be part of my life. I would see them! And they are nowhere to be seen!