Story Time

While growing up, I thought about all of the possibilities that would come into my life.  I caught myself in daydreams. The thoughts and dreams seemed so magical and real. I was so optimistic and I knew my life would be something special.  I had so many plans on what I would do and what it would look like. That was such a wonderful part of my life!

I learned very quickly that these plans would not work out as expected.  I think I first realized this when I fell in love for the first time, and it didn’t work out the way I was hoping.  There was so much that I loved about the relationship and him. This relationship did not last as long as I had wished, but I am so glad I experienced it.  That broke me! And I don’t want to say that I remained broken, because that wouldn’t be too encouraging, now would it? I learned very quickly after that experience that my life may not play out the way I imagined it.  That was heartbreaking! And as much as I want to say I got over that, I’m not quite sure I have.

What I have learned is that life has different plans for you and you need to adapt to life.

There were so many parts of my life that I hadn’t expected.  And as much as I want to ignore this part and completely avoid the whole topic, I feel that it really made me who I am.  Loss and grief are so impactful on someone’s life, especially when the person is super young and didn’t experience much loss up to that point.

After I had lost my first true love, I went off to college and within two months of being there, I received a call that has affected my life in so many ways.  I mean, it still affects me and we are talking years since it all occurred, 15 years to be exact, and it still doesn’t feel real. And it probably will affect me for the rest of my life.  This was when I received the call that my cousin had taken his own life. I still remember the feeling and how the whole moment played out, and I am guessing that I will always remember that feeling.  It was the WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE. I never in my wildest dreams thought that he would make that decision. To me, he was the best human on earth. I wish he could have seen that! Even while writing this, there are tears in my eyes.

After that moment in my life, I turned heavily to alcohol.  It numbed everything for a bit, and I was able to focus on having fun instead of the loss I felt.  At that point, I probably didn’t make the best choices when it came to men because all I wanted to do was have fun.  I succeeded in that; I had so much fun! Eventually everything calmed down, and I was able to have two significant relationships; however, even though they were significant, unfortunately, neither of those relationships worked out and again, I was left heartbroken.  Can you see the recurring theme now?