Let's Go Paddleboard!

Boating, camping, shopping, yoga, volleyball and darts are some of the activities that I like best.  I prefer to be on the water during any free time. In the past month, I have started paddleboarding. It has been so much fun!  And super relaxing! During the first outing, I was able to balance on the board and speed around the lake. It felt super natural and something I should have tried a few years ago.  This would have happened last year or even the year before, but I had no one to go with me, and as much as I want to paint the picture of confident, independent single lady, there have been times where it has been difficult to try new activities by myself.

I knew, at that time, that I needed to get out and try something new, but it was so hard.  Even now, it’s still more fun when you have people to do things with, but it can be relaxing to do activities on your own, just not all the time.  There have been many times in the past year, where I have felt super isolated. I felt this way at home and for a bit, I felt this way at work. I know it’s just a matter of getting myself out of my house.  My issue though is even when I get out of the house, I am not having interactions with people. I get out to go shopping, and I am still by myself, even though there are people all around me.

I am the type of person that enjoys being surrounded by people.  But it has to be fun, non-judgemental, open-minded, positive people.  I think the biggest issue I deal with is judgement. When I feel judged, I close down and then the freespirit stays stuck inside me.  This is shown by me not saying much, and I have been perceived as shy. The people that really know me know that I am not quiet and they have actually laughed at me when I shared that some people view me as shy.  Part of the problem could be that I have a fear of being perceived a certain way, so I stay quiet to protect myself from being judged. This has been huge for me, and I have really felt awful in certain situations: job interviews, meeting family members, jury duty, public speaking, etc.  By awful, I mean I struggle to stop the replaying of the experience in my mind. It goes on and on and on. Thankfully, it only lasts for maybe two to three days, depending on what happened and how bad I thought I sounded, and then I start feeling better. This has happened so many times.

There are also times when I don’t say much because the other people in the room are taking the floor, meaning they are loud and they have a lot to say.  I do not have the internal force to compete and I am more focused on listening to them anyway, unless they are saying statements that are completely dishonest, disrespectful, or ridiculous.

When I feel comfortable, I am super confident, happy, flirty, and fun.  This tends to happen more with the help of alcohol, and then I also become louder than normal.  Something else that just dawned on me was that I have the most fun when there are men around that I can flirt with and that I know find me attractive.  So, why is that?

I mean, I have fun with my friends too, but it’s not the same kind of fun.  I remember being in college, going out, and when I wasn’t hit on at the bar, the night was not as fun.  I remember feeling sad because the night did not result in anything good in terms of men. When hanging out with friends, I tend to feel relaxed and comfortable.  It really takes a lot to have tons of fun with just females. Is it just me or does this not seem healthy?